05.29.09
resentment awareness
Whenever feelings of resentment crop up about someone or some situation – shift your awareness. What aspect of yourself is crying out for attention?
Beach tip of the Day: Oldie but goodie. Shuffle your feet when wading and you won’t step on sting rays.
I felt resentment towards my former mother-in-law this week. It was surprising because I thought I was “more evolved” than that. (I love how the Universe smacks you off your high horse – sometimes before you even know you climbed aboard.)
After all, I am out of the situation. I no longer feel the need to protect the man or the life I had. He can take care of himself. And I have now chosen the life of my dreams.
I understand that she lives her life out of fear and scarcity. That society, the depression and religion taught her both. That she is old and has lived all her life this way – it has served her well in her own mind. That I should be empathetic of her situation. Her husband is gone mentally yet the shell is there. That she is alone for the first time. Yada, yada…
Normally – I am fine with all of that. And then, an overwhelming feeling of resentment slammed me. But this time, I stopped. I voiced it and breathed. And sat with it – letting curiousity roll around with it in the back of my head.
And I found myself.
Scary stuff. That feeling was not about her, it was about me.
I choose to live knowing I am a beloved child of the Universe – I am she and she is me. I choose to believe that the right things/people come into your life just as you need them. I choose abundance and love.
But I realized that I am worried that somehow I could “slip and fall” into fear and scarcity. And that just by having that thought – I confirm it. That if I don’t work hard or do everything right – abundance and love will abandon me. All because I don’t deserve it. So, in that moment of resentment – I resented the societal beliefs inside me that can still crop up and challenge me.
It wasn’t about her at all. It was that I too can be manipulative and self centered. I probably always will have those moments. Hopefully I will limit them and temper them with kindness and awareness – but it still scared the crap out of me that I saw her in me.
And so, I stopped and loved that part of myself. Understanding that we all have a “survival” mode and it crops up in odd ways. That I choose the behavior and beliefs that deal with it.
I choose the abundance and love of an interconnected Universe. I choose to baby and love that part of me and know that no matter how I react – that non judgemental abundance and love will never change.
And so, that tiny bit of resentment awareness has reminded me of everything good.
Blessed be…
